A girl with a laptop

I'm sitting here on my bed reading Leave Me by Gayle Forman while listening to music when I realize that I'm at peace. I don't care what going on on instagram or twitter. I'm sitting here happy and not in my head. It's a great feeling 

 I've been journaling a lot recently. It's been really helpful. I've also been writing a lot of poetry again.  I have been trying to heal. But it's a long and hard journey. I'm just glad I'm not going through it alone. I'm wanting to be a better friend, girlfriend, aunt, sibling, kid and human. I've been taking some time for myself and it's been really nice. I enjoyed it. Anyways that's all for right now 

Friday night I was out at a party/hang out with my group and I got wasted and high. Yeasterday I had the worst hang over I've ever had. I was so nauseous. But I'm all good now thank god for that. I'm probably gonna watch how much I drink now. Since I don't like hangovers. But I had a amazing time. I missed my friends. 

Today I'm planning on riding my bike off somewhere. Some place where I can get lost. My days are blending together. 

 Some days I wish that I didn't exist. Some days I wish that I could be a better kid, girlfriend, friend, and coworker. But my wishes never come true. No matter how much I manifest it. So why should I even try? Why make an effort if nothing good for me will ever come from it? I'm just so done with everything. I hardly see my friends or family anymore. I always fake a smile. 

 If I'm being honest I haven't had the greatest few day's with my mental health. For about a week or so I was in a dark place. I even relapsed. I've thought about ending it. But I'm still here. I'm still standing. My mental health is slightly getting better. It hasn't been as bad as it was then which is good. But I'm Kind of scared that I might end up there again and it won't end well. What helped me a lot was listening to music and journaling. But also hanging out with my friends. I also reached out to tell my safe people that I wasn't doing so well and they helped me through it the best they could and I'm so very thankful for them. They are my world. So what I want you to know is that you are not alone. You do have people who are willing to listen. And try some good coping skills. 

I've learned a lot in therapy. I learnt that there are things that are wrong with me and it's not my fault. I learnt coping skills. I learnt how to help myself. But I feel unfulfilled. Like I'm missing a part of me. I dont know how to find that part. I dont know where to begin. But once I do... I'm running full speed towards it.

 How do people bike every day? My ass hurts and I'm pretty sure my legs will hurt a shit ton tomorrow. My hands are also hurting a shit ton between my index and thumbs. I get it. It's healthy. But damn. I've also probably overposted on my Tumblr. It's a bit much. But we love it. It's hella worth it. I should do it way more often. I also started watching The Originals. Mostly cause I love Klaus. I know I shouldn't but have you seen him? He's beautiful. But anyways Im going to do a lot more biking and yoga. I've needed to get back to a more healthy lifestyle. I lost it within ten months since I left school.   

 Everything I have right now seems so dull. I want more adventure. But I don't know where to find it. How does one find their adventure but also get lost and eventually find themselves? I'm wanting to lose myself to find a new me. Just like in Just One Day by Gayle Forman. 

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I am looking for a job. But I haven't gotten a word from anyone. I've been watching a lot of true crime and been posting alot to my tumblr. But my life has been boring. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life rn